


Limerence

by akatsuki_tsukiyomi (Yumi25Nakashima)



Series: First Blush [8]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Censorship, Character Death, Crying, Developing Relationship, F/M, Hetalia Countries Using Human Names, Hospitalization, Loss, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Teen Romance, Terminal Illnesses, Tragic Romance, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28541757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yumi25Nakashima/pseuds/akatsuki_tsukiyomi
Summary: Limerence (n.)- A heartbreak in the making.- An involuntary state of mind which seems to result from a romantic attraction to another person combined with an overwhelming, obsessive need to have one's feelings reciprocated.- Believe it or not, it isn't always love.
Relationships: America (Hetalia)/Reader
Series: First Blush [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2089500
Kudos: 1





	Limerence

**Author's Note:**

> (F/N) - Reader's First Name  
> (L/N) - Reader's Last Name  
> (N/N) - Reader's Nickname  
> (H/C) - Hair colour  
> (E/C) - Eye colour  
> (T/N) - Teacher's name  
> (C/N) - Cousin's name  
> Alfred F. Jones - America's official human name  
> Francis Bonnefoy - France's official human name  
> Matthew Williams - Canada's official human name  
> Arthur Kirkland - England's official human name
> 
> This story is inspired by 'Toki Doki', a manga by Komi Naoshi.

(F/n) (L/n) walked around the halls of the second building of her school carrying a small stack of papers in one arm and trying to fix her bag firmly on her shoulder with the other. Her (h/c) hair was let loose and it swung in the slight breeze that her quick and hurried footsteps gave. She was passing through rooms on the third floor, looking for a certain teacher.

Mr. (Teacher's name) is her History teacher and he had assigned her to collect a seatwork that he gave to (F/n)'s class earlier that day. Being a second year and only ever entering the second building of the school whenever her class used the science laboratory, she was not familiar with the twist and turns, the room numbers and the sections. She had searched every room on the first and second floors of the said building and no one had mentioned whether they had seen Mr. (T/n).

Grumbling to herself she increased the pace of her speed walking and gave a gasp of joy and relief once she spotted the sign for the teacher's faculty room at the far end of the hallway. Knocking on the door once, she slid it open and excused her history teacher outside.

"Sir (T/n), here are the papers you requested." She said politely as if she hadn't spent the last twenty minutes turning the whole building upside down just to look for him. He, in turn, gave her a slightly apologetic and sheepish smile.

"Thank you, (F/n). Sorry to bother you after class hours, I just couldn't find the time to come back and collect them on my own." He rubbed the back of his head and once more gave a short apology. (F/n) immediately shook her head and waved her hands in front of her, stuttering slightly as she told him that it was no problem. She had always been the type to be polite and to never overstep her boundaries, especially with elders.

"Sir, there you are-- _ACK_!" A loud booming voice echoed throughout the hallway. Both (F/n) and her teacher looked behind them to see a blond student who seemed to have almost tripped over his own feet. Jogging over to them after regaining his composure, he too had a small stack of papers in his hand with all too familiar questions about a certain history lesson.

(F/n) remembered him to be Alfred Jones. He was a second-year as well but in a different class. She had heard of him once or twice from her classmates, almost always about how funny or how cute he was but other than that, she rarely ever saw him. There was once a time though, during one of the school's celebrations that Alfred had participated in, that (F/n) first became aware of his presence. She was, for a moment, surprised at how she was able to not notice such a boy. He was loud and eccentric, but he was also full of strength and determination. He had joined most of the sports-related competitions and won more than a few of them.

Looking at him now he looked quite the same from her first sight of him — shining sky blue eyes behind the glasses he wore, a contagious white smile and an overall youthful face.

She watched as he handed the papers he was holding to Mr. (T/n) and that was when she realised that she had not yet given her papers to him and rather, was holding it firmly to her chest. She immediately gave the papers to Me. (T/n) and bowed slightly. He thanked the both of them and shortly after, he had already closed the door of the faculty room behind him, leaving the second years behind.

"Mmm? Hey, I know you!" (F/n) heard Alfred exclaim. She immediately jolted in her place; surprised at the undivided attention he seemed to be giving her. She timidly looked up at him as he studied her features and gave a troubled expression as he hummed.

At that moment, (F/n) had meant to move, she had. She had meant to politely tell him that she had other things to do and then nod at him and leave, but she didn't. She couldn't. Her feet were glued to the floor, her eyes were stuck on him, and she was very certain that blood was steadily flowing to her cheeks. She was blushing because of the undivided attention he seemed to be showering her with. Honestly, he shouldn't have had made her feel that way. She saw him a couple of times before, sometimes from far away and sometimes even from up close, but only now did she blush. Only now did she feel her heart clench in anticipation to hear her name slip out of her mouth. And it did. It was like a sweet harmony that tickled her ears as the sound of his voice reached her.

"(F/n), right?" Alfred asked after he had snapped his fingers in realisation. He was looking intently at the girl in front of him, waiting for her response. She gave a soft nod and he broke out in a grin.

"I knew it! You were that girl that helped me with my homework before." He firmly placed his fist on his open palm as he nodded at thin air, appearing to re-imagine the scene in his head. It clicked to (F/n) then that she _had_ helped him. It was one time when he had come into her classroom to ask his brother for help with his assignment. Being the closest person next to Arthur, who was the person he had come to, Alfred had also asked you to help him whenever his otherwise smart sibling was unsure of his answer.

Shyly nodding at Alfred, (F/n) bowed and immediately took her leave, leaving a confused blond behind. Raising a brow at her behaviour, he too walked back to his class.

\---

"(F/n)," The said girl froze in her steps as she slowly looked behind her. Alfred stood there, carrying his bag over his shoulder and waving to her frantically. She squeaked in surprise and waved back awkwardly. Grinning at her response, he immediately came over to her.

"Good morning!" He greeted, bouncing in his place. Smiling at him, (F/n) managed a short reply as she tried to compose herself. Alfred gave her the same confused face before he snapped his fingers.

"That reminds me! I'm gonna walk you to class!" He declared happily. The (e/c)-eyed girl blinked once. Twice. Thrice.

"Excuse me?" She asked, not fully understanding the situation. Alfred stopped and smiled gently as if to reassure her that he wasn't doing anything reckless.

"I wanna walk you to class... Can I?" He asked, his confidence seemingly dissipating along with his boisterous behaviour. For the first time, (F/n) could see a faint blush on his cheeks as he discreetly avoided her gaze. Nodding slowly, she felt relief rush through her as his eyes gleamed and he gave his signature smile. Her stiff shoulders slowly relaxed as both of them engaged in small talk, making their way to their classrooms.

\---

**A few months later**

At first, (F/n) thought that hanging out and playing around with Alfred would be a short-lived feeling, a one-time thing, but she was mistaken. A few months after their encounter, the two had been so close they were practically stuck together every minute of the day. The school year had already ended, and after the summer, their third year of high school would start. (F/n) sometimes wished that she'd met Alfred sooner so that they would've hung out more together in school, and that she could've had supported him in his competitions and in his studies. He seemed like such a nice guy, and she was soon opening up to him a lot more and she was much more comfortable around his presence compared to when they had first acquainted.

"(N/n), let's ride that!" She heard the said blond exclaim, disrupting her train of thought. Looking up from eating her cotton candy, she looked towards the direction he was excitedly pointing to and caught sight of the 'X-treme Coaster' just a ways from where they were standing. It had been Alfred's idea to go to an amusement park during the summer break. After hearing that his partner-in-crime, (F/n), had only ever been to an amusement park twice in her childhood, he refused to let the summer pass without having her experience the feeling of thrill and sheer adrenaline that he knew full well would course through their veins as they went about the park.

Smiling nervously, she finished the last portions of her sweet treat and scratched her cheek. Noticing her reluctance, the blue-eyed male pouted and clung onto her arm.

"Please, please, please? We won't sit on the front seats if that's what you're worried about!" He bargained, pleading to her adorably. The way his eyes shone underneath his glasses, the way his hair swayed softly with the light breeze, the way he was slightly blushing under the irresistible façade he wore, it was enough to make (F/n)'s heart race, as it always did when she was around him.

"Alright, alright! Just don't laugh at me if I scream..." She gave in, gracing him with a pout of her own as she looked off to the side, blushing. Grinning from ear-to-ear, Alfred cheered and quickly pulled her to the ticket booth. After buying their tickets, he led her to a bench as they waited for the coaster to complete its ongoing ride.

\---

Shakily stepping out of the cart, (F/n) clung onto Alfred's arm as they walked away from the ride. He, in turn, slowed down the pace of his walking to accommodate her and not cause her further distress.

"(N/n)? Are you alright?" The dazed (h/c)-haired beauty lifted a finger to signal that she needed a minute, cutting him off. Patiently, he waited for her to calm herself. After a few minutes of not speaking, she managed to let out slower and more even breaths, but her cheeks were still flushed and she was still breaking out into cold sweats, worrying her companion. She held onto Alfred's coat tighter, clenching the fabric in her fists and he simply held her steady, not showing any signs of pain even as she practically clawed at his arm. Groaning, (F/n) placed a hand to her mouth and closed her eyes, trying to push back the barf she knew was coming.

Alarmed at seeing her expression, Alfred took her by the shoulders and pulled her towards the restrooms. Giving him a silent 'thank you,' she stumbled inside the ladies' room and immediately went over to a stall to puke her guts out. Thankfully, she wasn't the only one to be punished by the hellish ride, many others were rushing to the restrooms while the rest who really couldn't take it was already spewing their lunches out on the grass nearby. Seeing them made his stomach churn so Alfred looked up to the sky and leant on the wall of the restrooms as he waited, praying that he wouldn't have to lose his lunch as well.

It took (F/n) several minutes to get herself back on her feet after her gagging session, but once she did she went over to the mirror and sighed. She looked like a mess. The coaster ride had her hair blowing in the wind at 40mph and now, it was a bird's nest sitting atop her head. The gloss she had applied to her lips had been washed out and some of her foundation had also been wiped clean, leaving the bottom half of her face almost bare. Grumbling, she refreshed her makeup and made a side note to grab something to eat once she got out. After expelling all that she ate, she could eat a horse!

As (F/n) reached for the handle of the door, she felt a pain strike her chest, and she stumbled back in shock. Looking around, she was relieved that no one was around to see her pained reaction. Stepping once more in front of the mirror, she examined herself to see if everything was alright. Her hair was fine by now, her make up was retouched, and her clothes were fine too. Bringing a hand up to her chest, she noticed that she was shaking. Her brows came together in confusion as she pressed her fingertips to her neck to feel her pulse. Her (e/c) eyes widened as she felt her blood pumping abnormally fast. Lightheadedness came crashing through her and she closed her eyes to regain composure. Her breaths were coming in short and laboured again, and her chest was constricting.

'No, it's too tight,' she thought to herself as she clutched her shirt and tried to even out her breathing. It wasn't helping. She was shaking even more now as fear consumed her. Anxiety attack? No, how was that possible — she had no reason to be having a panic attack. Groaning she felt herself pressed against the door of one of the stalls and she slowly started slumping to the ground in a hyperventilating mess.

\---

"Huh? Already? But we've only ridden three rides, (N/n)," Alfred reasoned out as the said girl pulled him towards the main gate of the amusement park. Not bothering to say a word she continued tugging him forward until they reached the parking lot. He gave her a confused expression but nonetheless said nothing and followed her.

The ride back was so silent that it was almost awkward. It was making the usually boisterous male restless and jittery. Why had she suddenly turned gloomy? If it was the about the ride, and that she didn't like it, she would've already said something about the issue, as she always did when she was uncomfortable about something. But she didn't. (F/n) hadn't said a word since they left the park, only offering small 'yes' or 'no's to Alfred's attempts at starting a conversation, and it was seriously getting to him. He couldn't help but blame himself for making her feel bad, and so he kept glancing every now and then to check up on her, but all she gave was a monotonous façade.

\---

A few weeks had passed since (F/n) and Alfred had gone to the amusement park, but the awkward and uncomfortable air was still lingering around, thick as ever. The two hadn't seen each other since, and it was getting on the boy's nerves. He at least had the right to know what he did wrong, or what the matter was with her. But whenever he called her to talk, she would always say that she had something to do. Whenever he would invite her to go out, just like they did many times before, she would always have things scheduled, and would always tell him that she couldn't hang out because she was busy. Whenever he came over to hang out with her, she would make him wait at least ten minutes ringing her doorbell or knocking on her bedroom door before she came to see him, and once again say to him that she had things to do and that she was busy.

It hurt him to know that she didn't want to be with him anymore. He knew that by now. At first, he took her word for being 'busy,' but after it happened so many times, he just couldn't get himself to not accept the obvious fact that something about her changed. She wouldn't even look him in the eye anymore. He had missed her. Her shining (e/c) eyes, her radiant smile, her addicting laughter, her voice, her presence, her company. He even came to miss the snarky remarks she gave whenever he was being a show-off.

For a change, Alfred decided to walk around town with his other brother, Matthew. Although it was only supposed to be both of them, another person seemed to think that he was invited. That person was Francis Bonnefoy, the school's Casanova, but otherwise their good friend. During their walk, Alfred found himself merely listening to what Francis had to say and added a few comments of his own, along with Matthew who was also listening to the Frenchman's chattering.

" _Ohonhonhon_ , I've actually heard quite a bit about you, too," Francis pointed out as he looked back at the troubled blond.

Curious, he tilted his head to the side and asked him what it was. Laughing again, Francis flicked his hair off his shoulder, "I've received some news that you and precious (F/n) from Arthur's class happen to be dating."

Matthew immediately reacted, blushing upon hearing the 'news' as he hugged his stuffed bear to him tighter. Alfred, on the other hand, stopped in his tracks. Usually, he would've denied that with much more noise than necessary, but he couldn't. He couldn't even bring himself to smile as he used to when he heard her name. It seemed like a bittersweet memory that pulled too hard at his heartstrings, hurting him. He looked down at the pavement with a distant look of melancholy and shook his head.

"No, we aren't dating. Those are just rumours," he stated firmly, much to his friend's chagrin. Francis had hoped to get a better reaction from him. He had noticed how depressed and out of sorts Alfred had been lately, even cancelling out on their summer get-togethers, and it was rather unsettling. He had thought of all the things that could've caused the gloomy behaviour the usually bright and bold American had, but he couldn't quite get his mind wrapped around it. He had witnessed Alfred's tantrums before, but they'd always ended on a good note, and he was never one to hold a grudge, so it puzzled him even more.

As he tried to come up with a better explanation, he remembered how Alfred had always hung around a girl before the summer started, and that made him think about the possibilities. There was a big chance that she could've caused his drastic change of behaviour. He was most of the time gloomy; he didn't respond as quickly to conversations, as if he were thinking about something deep; and he would cancel out at the last minute on plans as if he were contemplating if it was the right thing to do. It was the only logical explanation Francis could come up with. Judging by how close he had seen Alfred and (F/n), the two having some sort of quarrel would most likely be the reason for the said male's sudden depression.

"Hey... Isn't that her? (F/n), I mean..." came Matthew's soft call.

At the sound of her name, Alfred instantly looked up and followed the path that his brother's finger was leading to. Sure enough, it _was_ (F/n). She was in a summer dress that, in his opinion suited her perfectly, and was sitting by the window inside a café. He noticed that she had in her hands a cup of (coffee), the ones he'd always order for her when she asked him to. She looked... normal. Happy, even, and though that should've made him feel at ease, to know that she wasn't overworking herself, he felt another tug at his heart. She had the time to get some coffee, but she didn't have time to be around him? Trying to think rationally, he assured himself that maybe one of her cousins had forced her to go outside again.

But all of his speculation was immediately erased after a person he had never seen before sat on the seat across from her, holding his own cup of coffee in his hands. The person was a man, probably only a year older than he was, with brown locks of hair, deep green eyes, and a smile that could pierce through any girl's heart. He was smiling as he talked, and as Alfred's gaze shifted over to (F/n), he found her laughing at whatever the stranger had said to her. She seemed elated to be in his company, and that being said was just an understatement. She was laughing and smiling, and was probably even more comfortable around him than she ever was with Alfred. As he continued staring into their unheard conversation, he was met face-to-face with a polar bear.

"What the..." he exclaimed, taking a step back to see his brother with the stuffed bear in his outstretched arms. Francis cut the tense atmosphere with another one of his obnoxious laughs.

" _Ohonhonhonhonhon_ , I think what he's trying to say is that it's rude to stare," he commented. Grumpily, Alfred stuffed his hand into the pockets of his pants and stomped off, leaving the other two to chase after him.

\---

"They seemed to be pretty close," Matthew reminisced, nuzzling his face into his bear as they walked home. Francis shrugged, flicking his hair off his shoulder once more.

"To me, zhey zeem to be dating," he stated nonchalantly, forgetting about the impact it would create on his friend. As if on cue, Alfred jolted with a violent shiver, as if he'd just been stabbed. 'It could be true,' he thought to himself as he turned gloomier by the second. Just the mere thought of (F/n) dating someone already had his heart crash landing from a 15-storey fall. It was killing him to know that there was someone else who was making her happy. His mind drifted back to the scene he saw. (F/n) in her summer dress, the unknown guy smiling and sitting across from her, her laughing and happy face, her radiant smile, her bright eyes – it was all coming back to him. All that was flashing in his mind was her beautiful face, her smile, he could even hear her contagious laughter. And then he saw the man he didn't know flash through the memories of her. It shattered every happy memory and every joyful thought. That man was most probably someone important to (F/n) and he couldn't stand the fact that she hadn't mentioned anyone like that to him.

He wanted to hear her voice again. He wanted her to say that the guy was just a friend, that they weren't doing anything special, and that they weren't dating. He wanted to hear her say that he was still important to her. He increased the pace of his walking, leaving Matthew and Francis who were talking amongst themselves, behind. He took out his phone and immediately dialed her number. He couldn't take it anymore, he didn't want to start assuming things. It was now or never to know the truth. Gathering the scattered pieces of confidence he had in him, he gulped uneasily as he heard (F/n)'s ringtone. He closed his eyes as he listened to it. Nothing's changed, she was still ignoring him. He let out a heavy sigh as her ringtone started all over again, still not picking up. Slowly inching his phone away from his ear, he winced at the painful clenching of his heart.

"Hello?" Alfred's eyes snapped open. Her voice, he heard it again, for the first time in what seemed like eternity. His throat felt dry, and he was at a loss for words. What was he supposed to do again? He couldn't bring himself to make a sound. "Hello? Alfred, stop playing around."

He was brought back to reality when she said that. She sounded so cold. Was she angry? He didn't even do anything.

"I, uh... I wanted to talk," he managed to say. A second after saying that, he immediately wanted to kick himself into next week. She was at a café with someone, why did he even ask that of course, she'd decline.

"I'm busy at the moment, I have to finish the summer classes I volunteered to do with Sir (Teacher's name)," Alfred stopped dead in his tracks. Sir (T/n)? The man he saw was not their teacher, he was absolutely positive of that. "Oh, really? Um, where are you right now? Maybe we could talk after you finish."

He glanced behind him. Matthew and Francis must've already gone ahead without him. He tapped his foot uneasily as he waited for her reply. He knew that she had volunteered to help teach some of the younger students, and he was aware that it was a Monday, and around the time that she should be at the school, doing her voluntary work, but he already knew she wasn't. Why was she making things up? He had spent a good five minutes or so staring at her from the café window, and he was in no doubt that the girl he saw was (F/n), so why did she have to lie to him?

"I'm busy helping, Alfred. Talk to me another time –"

"Is sitting in a café with someone being 'busy'?" He asked, cutting her off. The phone line went silent. He had replied in a slightly more aggressive way than he intended, and he himself knew that it sounded too rude. It definitely wasn't like him.

"... Talk to me another time," and just like that, she hung up. Clenching his fists, Alfred leaned back against the wall of a building. He caught her lying, and yet, she did nothing to at least explain herself. His head hurt from all the confusion and frustration of the situation and he groaned. Deciding to just retire for the time being and cool himself off, he trudged on his way home.

\---

"(F/n)... (F/n), I know you're in there. Stop ignoring me and come out," Alfred called as he continued knocking on the said girl's bedroom door. Two days after seeing her in the café, he couldn't help but go to her himself. He wanted to talk to her to clarify things, and this time, nothing was going to stop him. He'd been knocking on her door for the past five minutes, but he was nowhere close to giving up.

"(F/n), I just want to talk, come on," he said over the wooden door, continuing to tap his knuckles against it. "Alfred, I'm busy. Just go away already!"

"You know, you've been giving me that same excuse since last month. Just open the door. If we talk now, I promise that I'll ask all the questions that I have, and after that, I'll _believe_ you're busy," he reasoned out. He heard her groan but he stood his ground. He wasn't going to back down; he was going to show her that he was dead serious. After a few minutes, he sighed and stepped away from the door. Rubbing the slightly sore part of his hand, he pressed his back against the wall and slunk down to sit.

As he ran his fingers through his blond hair, messing it up, he heard the door click. Looking up in anticipation, his features brightened as the knob slowly turned. He was about to get on his feet as (F/n) started opening the door, but the moment she saw him, she immediately jumped in surprise before slamming the door shut. Sitting back with a huff, the boy's forehead creased as he pouted. Just when he thought she was going to talk to him, she just thought he was gone. He shuffled across the hall and sat against the wall beside her door. Mumbling out her name, he started knocking once more. If she wouldn't come out voluntarily, he'd have to annoy her until she couldn't take it anymore.

\---

A few days later, Alfred finally stopped coming over to (F/n)'s house. He planned to leave her alone for a day. Her mom had also been telling him that she probably just needed some space, so he was now going to give her just that. For her sake, he wasn't going to contact her in any way, even if it killed him to do so.

The very next day, the blond made his way to her place. He had gone through a whole day without trying to speak to her, and somehow, that sparked some hope in him. Hope that made him think to himself, 'maybe she'll finally talk to me today.' Tapping his knuckles against her front door, he waited for her mother to come by. It slowly creaked open, and Alfred caught sight of (F/n)'s mother's (h/c) hair. She looked up at him, her eyes bloodshot and puffy. He immediately noticed this and looked concerned.

"Aunt (m/n), what's wrong?" he asked, his tone laced with worry for the elder woman. She shook her head and opened the door wider, revealing a duffel bag in her clutch. His brows furrowed even further in confusion.

"(F/n)'s in the hospital again," she managed to croak out in a raspy, fatigued voice. 'Again,' he wondered. He hadn't heard of her being hospitalized before, yet her mother was almost deathly pale and a crying mess at the mention of it. "I'm sorry, dear, I have to go now."

She paused and thought about something. "Would you like to come?"

Immediately agreeing, he took the heavy bag from her and loaded it into the car as she locked up the house.  
  


Alfred sat on the cold plastic seat outside the ICU. (F/n)'s mother told him to wait outside and that she would call him in a little while later, but it had already been half an hour that he's been pacing up and down the hall. He already figured that the said girl still didn't want to see him. He stood once more, and paced around again. He couldn't sit still. If she had to be admitted into the ICU, then her condition had to be bad. Groaning to himself, he trudged over to one of the vending machines and scanned it. He didn't feel like eating, nor drinking, but he simply needed to divert his attention. Somehow, he had to. The whole ordeal was driving him crazy.

As he dragged himself back to his place, he caught sight of a group of people, right around his age, heading towards (F/n)'s room. He stopped and observed them. It was her classmates. He recognized some of their faces since he had hung around in her classroom even before they had acquainted, as Arthur was in the same class. The whole group looked distraught and a gloomy and depressing aura seemed to cloud over them. They probably knew what was wrong, whatever it was. Just as he found the will to take a step towards them, they had already piled into (F/n)'s room and the door had already swung closed.

Sighing to himself he went back to sitting, and waiting, and waiting.  
  


Her friends had already left, all in tears and a few even in slight hysterics. Something was terribly wrong, and Alfred wanted to know what the problem was. Just as he stood, ready to barge though the door, not caring how rude it was, (F/n)'s mother rushed out and ran over to one of the doctors who was heading towards her room.

"Doctor, i-it's my daughter — She, she just — " she stammered out. The doctor immediately started jogging over to (F/n)'s room after calling for some nurses. Alarmed, Alfred followed in. He searched the room frantically, trying to peer over the nurses' shoulders. He felt his chest start to constrict as he heard the taunting beeps of the ECG. He could hear the doctor rushing over to (F/n) barking out immediate orders. Alfred stopped dead in his tracks as he saw his beloved on the hospital bed. She was deathly pale and her breathing was shallow and fatigued. Her chest rose and fell heavily, shakily. She was looking up at the ceiling, but unlike Alfred imagined, fear was not shown in her features. She didn't look scared, she didn't look terrified even if she was strapped and practically plugged onto a machine that almost literally translates, 'dead end.' She looked so calm, so serene – so beautiful.

Her hair was all over the pillows, contrasting against the pale white sheets. She looked much different on a white bed, Alfred noted. He had seen her a few times on her own bed when he had come over to pick her up to go to another of their 'friendly dates.' The whiteness of the sheets looked unfamiliar. He was used to seeing the (colour) sheets and pillowcases that complimented her skin perfectly and made her hair look majestic.

He continued standing, frozen, even as nurses were rushing to and fro. They had yet to take notice of the blue-eyed boy, watching in silence with tears welling in his eyes. Alfred's shoulders started to shake as he held back the sobs he promised himself that he'd never let the world see. Clenching his jaw tightly, the boy let his head hang as his lips trembled. Just as he mustered the courage to look back up at (F/n)'s equally trembling form, he felt a weight push against his back and he stumbled forward, bumping against one of the chairs in the room. Looking over his shoulder, he saw a nurse watching him in shock. No one has noticed Alfred before the accidental collision. The room was getting hotter, and he found it hard to breathe. The nurse who bumped into him quickly snapped out of his trance and rushed over to the doctor, handing him what he needed. The tall man then came over to Alfred who was still trying to regain his balance through shaky knees.

"Sir, I'm going to have to tell you to wait outside," he spoke softly, as if talking to a child. The blue-eyed boy's frazzled gaze went from the strangers face and unto (F/n) angelic one. With much reluctance, the nurse quickly started pushing Alfred out the door as the said girl's heart started racing. Alfred heard the taunting beeps of the ECG getting faster and faster, and soon the bustle inside the room was blocked out by the electronic sounds. He struggled against the firm body of the male nurse who was currently still trying to get him out of the room. Peering over the taller man's shoulder in barely-hidden desperation, Alfred's breath got caught in his throat as his tear-filled eyes met soft (e/c) hues. (F/n)'s gaze was soft and loving, one of those rare looks that he had caught her giving him. Time seemed to stop right then, and the memories that he thought he'd already pushed to the back of his mind came crashing back to him.

The first time she gave that look was when he was walking you home from Arthur's surprise-birthday party. Alfred had been watching the stars then as he babbled on and on about how proud his brother be should for having the privilege of getting a 'well-planned and absolutely awesome birthday surprise' from none other than 'the hero' himself. He had remembered that he was only met with silence after his self-praise instead of (F/n)'s snarky remark that would usually be along the lines of denying that he was any sort of 'hero.' He had looked over at her then, only to have his heart leap in his chest and (in probably some extent of an exaggeration) he could've sworn it skipped at least two beats. (F/n) had her head tilted slightly, making the few strands of her hair that were not pulled back by her ponytail dance to the song of the cool night's wind. A small fond smile was on her lips, a tint of pink dusting her soft cheeks, and her eyes watched him lovingly. Alfred remembered feeling the blood rush up to his cheeks, feeling his face heat up, and feeling his chest constrict. He had stopped walking then, snapping the girl from her sweet daydream and they had looked at each other in surprise. He remembered laughing the awkwardness off, and (F/n) followed in with her lively giggles short after.

The second time he caught her was when he had just finished a heated round of video games with Matthew. The soft-spoken boy was surprisingly good at it, even managing to win a round against Alfred. Eventually, the older of the two had won and as he rested against the couch, moving his fingers strangely (in what Kiku could only describe as 'groping motions') to ease the ache from them, he turned to see (F/n) giving him the same affectionate look that sent his heart skipping and his temperature rising. She had been quick to cover up though, as her lips parted to give him a dazzling grin coupled with a cute eye smile and a thumbs up.

He had always wanted to see it again, that admiration in her eyes that always kept him up at night – but he did not expect to see it then. He did not expect her to look at him like that when she was in a hospital bed, on the brink of leaving him forever — the sad reality that he already knew was just waiting to be revealed.

The noise of the hospital room, the doctor and nurses, the nurse who was still pushing him out – they all faded for a moment, before everything hit Alfred hard. (F/n) was in the ICU, being treated. She was not looking good. His brows twitched as he tried to keep his tears at bay.

He wouldn't let her see him cry, not when she's looking at him as if he's the only person in the room. His gaze travelled from her soft yet tired eyes and down to her pale lips. He could see the faintest of a smile there, and he knew she was trying hard to tell him something. She was trying to tell him, 'it's going to be okay' and that was a lie he'd believe in a heartbeat. At the sight of the angelic smile that soon crept upon her lips, he broke down. He felt himself stumble back as he was reluctantly shoved out before the door to the room was shut. His breathing was raspy and uneven, and his mind was muddled with so many thoughts that he didn't even know what to think anymore.

(F/n)'s mother came rushing to him from where she was pacing and helped him get back on his feet. He could hear her frantic voice, asking him what had happened inside. But her words entered his ear and flew out the other, just as every other sound was. Upon realizing that he could not come up with anything coherent to say to her, she let go of him to continue her pacing and he collapsed on the bench near the door. It was the same one he'd been sitting on just moments before, and yet it already felt so cold. His palms were sweaty as he wiped the tears that had cascaded down his cheeks, making his glasses ride up his face uncomfortably.  
  


He didn't know how long it had been, but it had felt like forever before the doctor finally walked out of the room. Alfred quickly sprung to his feet, already beside (F/n)'s mother, trying to make his ears cooperate and understand what the man was about to say. Instead of saying, "she's going to be alright," like Alfred hoped he would, like what doctors always say in tv shows, the man simply shook his head and placed a hand on (F/n)'s mother's shoulder as he sent a downcast gaze on the floor. Ushering the both of them to step inside while the nurses filed out, Alfred held onto the elder woman as she started sobbing in his arms. He held her steady and firmly, even though his own knees were buckling. He could feel a large lump on his throat that he had much difficulty in swallowing, bringing tears to his eyes. They slowly made their way to the slowly dying girl, though they'd never admit that it was really happening.

(F/n)'s mother instantly latched onto her daughter, crying her eyes out and confessing her love in breathless gasps and shaky whimpers. Alfred clenched his fists as he let his arms lay still by his sides. He watched with a blurred vision as the girl he admired wrapped a comforting arm around her weeping mother, and whispered sweet nothings into her ear. She looked over at him and gave him another one of those smiles, but this time it sent his heart crashing and shattering instead of making a joyous leap. He bit his tongue, still stubbornly refusing to cry in front of her. He could do that when he was alone. But when she was there, he would rather see her clearly than have tears blur his vision every time they welled up in his eyes as he sobbed.

_Beep..._

_Beep..._

_Beep..._

Alfred furrowed his brows more, clenching his fists tighter and biting his tongue harder as he heard the ECG's sounds get slower and slower.

_Beep..._

_Beep..._

_Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep..._

At the sound of the flat line, (F/n)'s mother who had already calmed down started sobbing again, harder than she had ever cried. Alfred fell to his knees by the side of (F/n)'s bed, watching her eyes slowly flutter close, watching her smile falter before it was no more, and watching as her hand that had been softly stroking her mother's hair fall limp.

\---

The thought of having a funeral on a rainy day always seemed so cliché to Alfred. It was never really raining; it was just a sad day. And even if it were pouring, people didn't _have_ to all have plain black umbrella's as they choked down sobs, looking at whoever's gravestone it was. But now, as cliché as it was, it was happening.

Grimacing at the thought, the blond boy mentally kicked himself. Everything felt like a dream, it felt like something was happening that he couldn't control at all, and he wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

It was pouring, the gray clouds were covering up the sun, the mourning family members and friends were gathered around (L/n) (F/n)'s gravestone, most of them with black umbrellas, shielding themselves from the tears of the sky. Alfred was standing farther than the rest were, refusing to look at the marble that had his beloved's name engraved and the date of a cursed day – the day she left him, the day she died.

It felt like hours as he stood there in the pouring rain, not moving. He didn't step back or walk away even as most of the mourners left; but neither did he step forward and walk closer. (F/n)'s mother, the kind woman who had always welcomed the boy into her house gave him a soft pat on his shoulder and a kiss on his cheek as she thanked him for taking care of his daughter before she too took her leave. Clenching his umbrella tighter, he took a shaky breath and stepped forward; walking towards the stone he had been staring at from a distance. He could hear the wet grass sloshing against the soles of his shoes – they were formal shoes that he only ever wore on special occasions when he thought he needed to dress smart; he could hear the pitter-patter of raindrops as they beat against his umbrella; he could hear his own heartbeat thumping in his ears. She was gone. **(*)**

At the weight of a hand on his shoulder, Alfred quickly snapped his head to look at whoever was disrupting his melancholy. His eyes widened as he saw familiar brown locks of hair and greens eyes, looking down at him with the same sadness Alfred himself held in his eyes as he stared at the gravestone. The man (F/n) had been with inside the café.

"She was a great girl," the stranger spoke softly, lowering his gaze to look at the flowers some of (F/n)'s classmates left on the grass, watching as the rain drenched them. Before Alfred could ask who he was, the man took his hand off the boy's shoulder and stuffed them into his trousers' pocket. " I still can't believe I wasn't there to see her before she left... Some doctor I am."

A dry chuckle left him as he shut his eyes in guilt. "Who—"

"I'm (F/n)'s brother— well, actually I'm her cousin. We sort of grew up together, until I had to leave for college and my job. You see, at the age of 10, we found out that she had a heart condition... I was just 16 then, on my way to being a delinquent," he gave out a long shaky sigh, stuffing his hand deeper into his pocket. "Stupidly, I aspired to be a doctor. I wanted to get her better before she could get any worse..."

The brunette paused as he looked up at the heavy clouds with distant eyes.

" _Ventricular tachycardia_ , they said. Her heartbeat was too fast to fill her heart with blood. Thinking that I could find a way to get her better, I became a doctor. I didn't want (F/n) to be held back in enjoying her life just because of her condition. She didn't want to have surgery; didn't want to get a pacemaker; didn't want to take any drugs; didn't want therapy... That girl was as stubborn as a rock. But you know her stubbornness was what kept me believing that she could overcome it, that she could be normal... That she wouldn't have to die so young.

"Just recently, her condition had gotten worse. She was in risk of getting a cardiac arrest that could end her life immediately. The few times I visited her, though, she was the same normal girl I've known. But on a few bad days, she'd come crying to me over a boy. She described him to be a loud, goofy, gamer." **(**)**

Alfred's chest tightened at that. She talked about him.

"She said that that boy might be the death of her – of course, that was a joke. She told me that she likes him, and that her heart raced whenever she was with him. As happy as I was for her, I couldn't ignore the fact that a racing heart wasn't exactly the best feeling she should be experiencing..." letting out another sigh, the man turned to leave. Reaching into his coat, he brought out a letter that was inside a zip-lock bag.

"I never thought I'd be meeting him like this," handing the bag to Alfred, the man patted his shoulder again and walked away saying, "you're a good kid. Don't let her down, yeah?"

\---

Alfred sat on his bed, weeks after the funeral. He still hadn't opened the letter. He wasn't ready yet. He still didn't know what to expect. Unzipping the plastic bag, he carefully pulled it out. It was a simple white envelope with his name written on the back neatly. Taking a deep breath, he opened it and pulled out the piece of paper inside.

It was now or never.

\---

**Your POV**

_"Huh? Already? But we've only rode three rides, (N/n),"_ Alfred's voice replayed in my head as I lay on my bed. (N/n), I never thought that I'd be used to being called that.

"And you said that you started feeling weird again after the ride?" (Cousin's name) interrogated as he sat on the rug beside my bed, carefully inspecting the stuffed toys Al won for me. I nodded, watching him. He was squinting and trying to act like a detective again as he went from one toy to the next, humming ridiculously to himself. "Well you, dear cousin, are infatuated."

I raised a brow at him and rolled onto my side, pulling a disgusted face. "Infatuation and I do not go well together, brother."

He simply snorted at my statement and threw a small monkey at me. Turning to me with crossed legs, he placed his head on his hand and rested his elbow on his thigh. "Are you just saying that because he makes your heart race, and you don't like that fact one bit because that's what you've been avoiding your whole life?"

"Oh shut up. I'm not _avoiding_ it. I'm just being careful like you told me to. No way am I going to go under the knife just to have a piece of metal stuck in me. And before you say it, no, I am also not going to take any weird drugs that you're going to prescribe, genius." At that he shut his mouth and continued with meticulously poking through the collection of things Alfred has given me. "It's not weird drugs, its medicine."

\---

"(F/n), stop moping and get your butt off that bed, I'm treating you to coffee!" I groaned, burying my face into my pillow again. I could hear the idiot going through my closet, already picking out clothes for me to wear. Why did he have to pester me on his days off? I sat up, only to have a sundress get thrown at me.

"You're the one ignoring him, so why are you the one going mad," he asked, sitting on my desk chair and whirling around. For an old geezer, his looks don't betray him (making me envious because he's been looking like his 18-year-old self for years now) — he seems to have more energy than me. **(***)**

"He's been calling me non-stop, even leaving me voice messages, and it's making me really guilty for having to not tell him what's wrong," I reasoned out in exasperation.

"Well, why don't you just tell him what's wrong then," I stared at (C/n) incredulously. For a medical prodigy, he could be completely stupid. "It's because nothing would change – I'd still feel high when I'm around him!"

Face-palming, (C/n) dragged me off my bed and pushed me out and into the bathroom. "Get dressed, drama queen, we're going out."

\---

I held back tears as Alfred continued knocking on my door. How many days has it been since he started coming over anyway? Three? Guilt consumed me as he called out my name helplessly. I couldn't face him. Not when I lied to him; not when he caught me lying to him; not when he's still kind enough to try and figure things out after I've lied to him. I held my face in my hands, groaning quietly to myself. I want to see him, I want to talk, but I can't. I don't know where to start. I don't want to tell him that I like him, because I can already feel that even if we start going out, it isn't going to end nicely.

I'm getting worse, and I know it. I wanted to live normally, but in my vain attempt to do so, I now realize that all I'm doing is putting out a ball of sunshine with my misery. I looked up as the knocking ceased. Peering out my bedroom window, I sighed as I didn't see him walk out the driveway. Alfred is still in the hall, I know it, and I'm not going to make the same mistake of checking just to see him there again.

\---

**_You've been the sunshine in my darkest days, and you were the only reason I could keep a smile on my face even if I was already on the verge of breaking down. You don't know how hard it was for me to not tell you about what was wrong with me, just because I didn't want you to bear the burden on your shoulders. Thank you so much for staying even when I told you to leave. Thank you so much for being there for me when I needed someone. Thank you so much for bearing with my attitude and trying to cheer me up whenever I was down. Honestly, your corny jokes are funnier to me than the stupid faces you would pull. Alfred Jones, you have been the bestest friend to me, and I don't care if Arthur would correct my grammar right now because words can't express how great of a person you are. You have been my hero, even when I didn't know I needed saving. You saved me from my demons, and from reality. Thank you for seeing the good in me that even I couldn't see, thank you for being my partner-in-crime, and most of all thank you for loving me._ **

**_I wish you all the best. Don't ever give up on your dreams, my hero._ **

**_Love, (N/n)._ **

**Author's Note:**

> * The setting of the whole story isn't in Japan, or any place in particular, which is why I didn't make it the Japanese-type of a funeral.
> 
> ** This part is just me partially making stuff up so I hope you understand that I don't quite grasp the whole situation of this condition, and don't hold it against me for any incorrect information.
> 
> *** I know that they're supposedly third years-to-be, but their ages won't be mentioned - simply for the sake of plot convenience.
> 
> This was originally published in Wattpad on Dec 31, 3016.


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